Latest English Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts.When I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!"

Husband: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife:        Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltrs.

Teacher: What r the people of Turkey called? 
Student:  I don't know. 
Teacher: They r called Turks. Now What r the people of Germany called?
Student: They r called Germs.

Teacher: Peter, why r u late for school again?
 Peter:    Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football & the game went into extra time.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollor note.
Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No, I was standing on it.

A girl comes late to class.
Professor: Why are you late?
Girl:          Sir a boy was following me.
Professor: So how did you got late?
Girl:          Sir the boy was moving very slow.

Teacher 2 sleepy boy : who invented steam engine ?
Boy :        what sir ?
Teacher : yes correct itz James Watt.

Teacher : Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it caught fire?
Student  : Simple, Stop imagining. 

Boy: Where Are You Going? Girl: For Suicide..
Boy: Then, Why Soo Much Make-Up?
Girl: You Idiot..!! Tomorrow My Photo will Come In Newspaper.

John: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing clothes.
Paul: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.

Man:     Is there any medicine for long life?
Doctor: get married
Man:    will it help?
Doctor: no, but it will avoid such thoughts.

Johnny: Dad, what is a weapon?
Father: Well, Son, that's something you fight with.
Johnny: Is Mom your weapon?

A very old lady teacher of English ask this question with the class:
When I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?
One pupil answered: Its the past tense of course.

Man:Doctor ! My Son has swallowed a key.
Doctor: When ?
Man:Three Months Ago
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Man: We were using duplicate key

A girl & boy were sitting alone, that boy started touching de girl,
Girl : dont touch me, all this only after marriage.
Boy : ok call me when u r married.

Teacher :-  You StuPid! At Your Age EinsTen RanKed First In Class,
                  What About You ???
StuDenT :- Sir At Your Age Hitler Commited SuiCide…!
                  What About You ???

Daughter: Mummy that man gave me 100 bucks to climb that tree.
Mother:    Stupid !He wanted to see ur panty.
Daughter: I am clever I din't wear any of them.

One day there was this naked man and elephant, the elephant looks at the naked man for a few seconds, ask the naked man, "HOW CAN YOU BREATH THROUGH THAT LITTLE THING?"

A baby dog asks mama dog: How papa looks like?
Mama dog said:                    "Your dad came from behind,
                                              I do not have the chance to see its face carefully!"

A white couple gets a black child.
Angry husband asks- You white, Me white. Why is baby black?
Wife-                         You hot, Me hot. Baby burnt!